


Your Reality

by GeminiHalo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeminiHalo/pseuds/GeminiHalo
Summary: John is set to come home from his business meeting. You are Karkat Vantas and thrilled to have him back. An unfortunate accident changes everything though.
Relationships: John Egbert/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Your Reality

Your name is Karkat and you’re currently watching your favorite romantic comedy. Well, you were because your cell phone is ringing now and you have to see who it is. You grab your phone next to you and look at the caller ID. It’s John, you smile as you grab the remote and pause the TV before answering the call.

“Hey, Kitty,” he says and you instantly frown as John uses his new favorite endearment for you.

“John, you know I hate that fucking nickname,” you grumble.

He just chuckles on the other side of the line and you feel your face warm.

“You are so lying. Because I know for a fact that you _love_ that particular pet name,” he says playfully.

Your face heats up even more as you think about the last time he’d used it. “Just shut up John, I cannot deal with you right now.” He laughs. “Just wait until you get home to tease me please.”

“Alright, Alright,” he says chuckling. “But I’m just calling you out on your bullshit Karkat.” You make sure to over exaggerate when you laugh at his statement even if he is right.

“Get it all out?” He asks once you stop laughing and you can hear the shit-eating grin on his face.

“Yeah,” you stretch out on the couch. “So when is your plane leaving?”

“In about an hour. Just enjoying the comforts of the lobby until they start boarding,” he mumbles sounding slightly annoyed.

“Stop being a baby, John.”

“Hey!” He says in mock offense.

You laugh. “Look you’ll be on the plane before you know it. You’ll get to sit next to some asshole, some assholes kid, and probably have someone’s smelly feet dangling over your seat.”

“Gross.”

“Yeah, it’s gross. But on the plus side when you land I’ll be there. Then we’ll go home and watch a movie and snuggle and if it’s sad I’ll cry like a Bitch and _you_ can hug me.” He laughs and you smile. “So that sounds like a good plan Egbert?”

“Yeah, except for the foot part,” John answers, sounding amused. “Though I think I might need to add some tender loving care into that agenda of yours.” You snort at his attempt at sounding seductive. God, he is such a dork.

“If the last time we talked didn’t make that obvious. I don’t know if there is any help for you John.”

“Hmmm, the last time we talked.” He says slowly letting a few seconds tick by. “That was nice, and I remember making some promises to you Kitty,” John says in a soft sexy voice that doesn’t make you laugh this time. You sigh loudly as you ignore the heat of arousal that runs through you. It’s been a week since you’ve had him in your arms and you can’t wait to get your hands on him.

“Okay, Karkat, I got the message. I’ll save it for when I get there.”

You grin. “How long is that flight anyways?”

“Little under twelve hours.”

“Fuck, I hate those long-ass plane rides.”

“Yeah, they suck but I guess the good news is that most of it’s going to be at night, so I’ll sleep through most of it.”

“As long as you don’t end up sitting next to that shitty kid in my scenario.” You remind him.

He snickers. “Oh heaven forbid, I end up next to someone’s monstrous brat.” He says sarcastically.

“Alright, John. I’m just saying I have firsthand experience.” You try to sound as serious as you can.

“Of course I know you only have my best interest at heart. My dear sweet _lovely_ darling.”

You roll your eyes, even if he’s teasing you and being a smartass you miss him.

“I miss you, John,” you say softly.

“I miss you too baby,” he says gently. You can hear the love behind his words and you know that he means it.

You smile. “I’m cuddling the shit out of you when you get back and you’re not allowed to complain.

He laughs. “But of course husband, I wouldn’t dream of complaining. To have you in my arms once more.” He says falling into what sounds like an old English character.

“You've chosen your words wisely,” you respond trying to mimic the accent.

“But of course, and choosing you _was_ my wisest decision.”

“Indeed.”

“Indubitable.”

“Quite,” you respond, breaking character and the two of you laugh together.

“I think I might be scaring some people,” he finally whispers.

“Yeah no shit, laughing like a maniac in the middle of the airport does that.”

“Wow, that was just...such a lovely thing to say.”

“You know it,” you smile at the sound of his soft laugh. There’s a ding in the background and you hear the voice announcing that boarding is starting.

“Looks like it’s time to get moving.” John says and you can hear people talking around him.

“Alright, just text me when you get in your seat.”

“I will, I’ll let you know if I end up sitting next to a little monster too.”

“Good…” your smile softens as you listen to him walking.

“I love you,” he says and you feel warm inside.

“I love you, sweetie.”

He kisses you through the phone and you kiss back happily. You’re sure there’s someone looking at him oddly right now and you’re glad he doesn’t care.

“Okay, I’ll text you later, bye Kitty.”

“Bye.” You’re not bothered by the nickname this time.

You hang up and set your phone down somberly. You miss him so much and it’s been like this for years. His job keeps him traveling and every time he’s away it’s hard. It isn’t like you don’t have friends to visit and a job to take up most of your week. But coming back home to an empty house for an entire week at a time sucks. You want to hold him, kiss him, and be as sappy as the romcoms you watch and tell him you love him over and over again.

You sigh because you know that you’ll see him tomorrow and moping around isn’t good. You unpause the movie you were watching and smile at the dumb main character ruining his chances. In the end, when he finally gets the girl you can’t stop yourself from tearing up a little. Watching them kiss makes you think of John and you wish to every fucking god that teleportation was real.

You yawn as you sit up on the couch and turn off the TV. It’s past your usual dinner time and you haven’t cooked anything in a couple of days. You’ve eaten through all the leftovers and John hasn’t asked you to make anything. You think it might be a good idea to cook though since it’ll taste better the next day and you don’t want to waste time heading home tomorrow. You’re pretty sure that this entire weekend will be spent in the house anyways.

You consider the options as you grab your phone and head to the kitchen. You open the fridge and look at the produce and meat on the shelves before deciding to try a stir-fry recipe you’d glanced at earlier that day. You place all the ingredients out on the island, grab a chopping board and knife ready to start cutting when your phone dings. You lean against the counter as you pick up your phone and pull up John’s message.

John: ha there’s no kids around me.

Karkat: YOU JUST GOT LUCKY.

John: 10 for 10 baby.

John: you know, i think you might just have the shittiest luck with seating Karkat.

Karkat: YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT, CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FIGURED OUT UNITED WANTS ME TO SUFFER. I’LL GET AN AWARD MADE FOR YOU JOHN.

John: ouch the sarcasm hurts.

Karkat: IT WAS MEANT TO HURT YOU ASS.

John: :(

Karkat: NO SADFACE ALLOWED YOU DESERVE IT.

Karkat: I’M COOKING CHICKEN STIR-FRY WITH ALL YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLES. FEEL BETTER?

John: much…

John: planning ahead are you?

Karkat: NO.

John: hehe yeah okay.

John: i’m taking that as a yes btw.

John: i’ll text you later we’re close to taking off.

Karkat: OKAY. <3

John: <3

You smile looking at the heart for a moment before sliding the phone back in your pocket. You turn to the ingredients and get started at making your Michelin star level stir-fry. You wash, clean and cut veggies, don’t put enough oil in the pan then put too much. You burn the broccoli, but the chicken is cooked to perfection and the charred flavor adds a nice touch.

You take a picture of your culinary achievement and eat a bowl before you pack everything away in the fridge and clean up the mess you’ve made. You turn out the light and head to the shower cleaning off the oil that splattered on you. When you’re brushing your teeth you look at your reflection and try not to nit-pick. You’re not the best looking, but you’re well past the self-deprecating thoughts of your teenage years. Still, sometimes you find yourself wondering how you got so lucky to get someone like John. He’d seen past your snarky comments to the real you such a long time ago. Then he’d gotten to know that side of you while embracing that snarky side too.

He’s always there to reassure you that you’re worthy of love. Even without being perfect you could be happy, have friends and enjoy life. You finish brushing your teeth, spit out the toothpaste and gurgle before leaving the bathroom. You’re nice and relaxed as you walk around your room and pull on your pajamas. You think about the conversion you had with him earlier and laugh at how silly he is. Then you’re remembering the conversation from yesterday when he was sweet and sexy. John had a way with words and he knew how to get you riled up on the phone with just a few heated sentences. You think about how loud you’d been near the end and stop your train of thoughts. You ignore the craving that the thought ignites in you and go to the bathroom to pick up your clothes. You toss the clothes in the hamper and check your phone.

John: hey the stars look awesome up here.

John: this guy sitting next to me is already snoring.

John: i hear a kid a few rows back crying.

John: this dude sounds like a fucking motorboat.

Karkat: MAYBE YOU’LL HAVE A NICE BEACH DREAM TO TELL ME ABOUT WHEN YOU GET BACK.

John: if i can even sleep.

Karkat: NUDGE HIM A FEW TIMES. THAT USUALLY WORKS.

Karkat: I JUST MADE THIS.

You send him a picture of the food you took earlier.

John: it looks yummy!

John: can’t wait to eat some when i get there.

John: unless you ate it all since i’m sure it tastes amazing.

Karkat: IT DOES AND OF COURSE I DIDN’T EAT IT ALL YOU ASSHOLE.

He sends you a picture where he’s sticking his middle finger up grinning like a sexy idiot.

You take a picture of you sticking your tongue and throw up your own middle finger.

John: hahahahahahaha

John: you’re so cute.

Karkat: FUCK YOU. I’M TRYING TO BE ANGRY.

John: you’re doing an awful job at it.

Karkat: YOU’RE MAKING IT HARD.

John: that’s for tomorrow karkat.

You laugh out loud and sit down on the bed as another message comes in.

John: hey nudging this guy worked!

Karkat: TOLD YOU.

John: i better capitalize on this and try to fall asleep.

Karkat: GOOD LUCK, JOHN.

John: goodnight sweetums. <3

You roll your eyes and shake your head replying only half-serious with.

KARKAT: GOODNIGHT MY DAFFODIL <3 <3

John: <3 <3 <3

You smile at the hearts before putting your phone down on the side table. You move the blankets down and crawl into bed. It’s not really late enough to go to sleep just yet and you have been meaning to read. You look over at the pile of books that have occupied John’s side of the bed since Monday. You pick up one that you haven’t read the synopsis of yet. It sounds interesting enough being a mystery romance and you have enough energy in you to read a few chapters.

It turns out to be more romance than mystery. The writer seemed to have forgotten the difference between foreshadowing and out-right telling you who the kidnapper was. It still ends up being pretty interesting and you lose yourself in the story and it’s well past midnight by the time you finish the story. The romance was as cheesy as ever but it had all the cliches that you love. The ones that John groans and grumbles about when it's in a movie. In those cases, you end up loudly telling him what an insensitive a-hole he's being. It usually ends with you incoherent as he apologizes with a kiss.

There are butterflies in your stomach when you think about it now. It's been eight years since that first date and five since you've been married and you still get them. You smile thinking about it before picking up all the books and taking them to the living room. You stack them up on the coffee table and figure you can return them back to the library next Friday. Then you head to the kitchen to drink a glass of water. After cleaning the glass you head back to your room and turn out the lights then unceremoniously flop into bed. You tug the covers over yourself as a makeshift cocoon and hug John’s pillow to your body.

Tomorrow you’ll get to hug the real thing and won’t have to settle for the light scent of his shampoo anymore. You sigh happily and let yourself slide into the clutches of sleep.

When you dream, you hear your phone ringing repeatedly. You try to find out where it’s coming from but every time you almost reach the location it stops. Your dream self is pissed off and annoyed and that’s the feeling you wake up to when you realize your phone really is ringing. It stops and you hope whatever asshole that’s called you can wait until morning. Before you can fall back to sleep it rings again and you grab your phone ready to tell whoever on the other side off.

It’s Dave’s face on the caller ID and he’s called you this late before but not recently. Just as you’re about to answer it to tell him to kindly ‘Fuck Off’ it goes to voicemail and your eyes widen at the number of missed calls and texts. You unlock your phone and open up the slew of messages that he’s left.

Dave: karkat

Dave: pls wake up

Dave: pick up

Dave: pls answer your phone

Dave: i’m coming over karkat

You frown at the text Dave’s left. You’d been so ready to tell him off but now you’re not so sure. It’s not his usual MO to shit text you at five in the morning.

Karkat: WTF DAVE??

You send it even though you're feeling apprehensive. You think about calling him to ask why the hell he's coming over when there is a knock on the door. It's persistent and urgent and you tumble out of bed nearly falling before straightening out and making your way out of the room.

Even with the dread in your chest, you talk like you normally would. "What in all hells has possessed you--" you begin as you're opening the door, stopping when your eyes meet his. His shades are clasped in his hands and he looks gutted. You've never seen him like this before and your heart races. "Well, what do you want?' You ask like you usually would still grasping on to normality.

You watch as his mouth turns down and he licks his lips opening them to say something then shutting them again. His eyes are wet and his entire body screams at you that something is not right. You wait though and seconds feel like minutes because you don't know what the fuck has got him like this.

"Karkat, John…h-his...his plane it--it went down." He says in a rough voice that doesn't sound like him at all.

You process his words for a moment before whispering. "No."

"Karkat, I-I'm sorry," he chokes out and there are tears dripping from his eyes. You think to yourself that Dave never cries. You briefly think that this has to be a nightmare but you feel his hand on your shoulder and it feels _too_ real.

But this isn't real.

It can't be, you just texted John.

Slowly you move out of his hold and dazedly walk into the living room. You find the remote on the couch and turn it on. You slowly enter the news channel and wait with bated breath as it lights up the room.

The first thing you see is big bold letters running along the bottom of the screen. It's his flight number, there's an estimated time of its descent and you know there was no chance of survivors from the wreckage on the screen.

The remote drops from your hands and you collapse to the floor.

This isn’t right

Shit like this can’t happen, not in this day and age, not to John. The anchor is talking; she's saying something about how rare this is and you can't listen.

You’re trembling. You aren't breathing right, your heart is too loud, it's beating too fast and nothing's right. You keep hoping it's a nightmare, but it's not and she keeps talking and there's footage of what’s left of the plane burning.

You shatter.

A sound akin to a dying animal's wail rips from deep inside and you choke out a sob. It racks your body and you clutch your fist against your eyes as hot wet tears run down your face. You feel someone at your side and remember that Dave's there. But you can't acknowledge him, can't do anything but sob so hard that it hurts.

You're gutted.

Even if a small part of you doesn't want to accept that it's real. You know it's true, that John isn't coming home and you'll never get to hold him again.

You feel arms going around you and you clutch onto their shirt as you cry. It feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest and there’s only agony left. You don’t know how you’ll live without John. You can’t see how you’ll make it for another minute with this grief. You feel overly hot breathing short painful gulps of air as you weep.

“N-no-no-no,” you choke out between sobs wanting to deny it until it's not real. Needing to wake up from this tormenting dream but knowing that’s impossible. Images flash by in your mind of greeting him at the airport in a few short hours. Of drawing him into a hug and taking his hand in yours. Talking about random things as you leave the airport. Complaining about shit traffic on the way home then kissing when you’re home. Of John following through with his promise. Of him whispering _i love you’s_ against your ear as you're cuddling in the afterglow.

“John,” you whisper his name knowing he’ll never hear your voice again.

Then you’re crying and crying and your perception of time loses all meaning. You keep thinking about moments with John in the past and memories you’ll never get to make. Keep hoping you’ll wake up and accepting that you’re already awake. Your husband is dead, he’s dead, he’s _dead_ and you can’t bring him back. You won’t even have his body to hold one last time.

You hear Dave saying things but you can’t understand him. You look up from where you’ve pressed your face against his chest and the suns shining brightly through the window. You don’t know how much time has passed but when you move your arms they ache and blinking burns.

“Someone’s at the door, Karkat,” Dave says, his voice rough and you understand this time.

He guides you onto the couch and you can see that his eyes are red from crying too. He puts his shades on and goes to answer the door. You hear voices, people you know, friends, your’s and John’s here for you. You can’t even move, can’t say anything, can’t bring yourself to look up when they walk towards you. They hug you though, Jade does, Rose does, and Kanaya.

Your lip trembles whenever you try to speak. Your throat is raw and it comes out illegible and broken.

“We’re here for you Karkat,” Kanaya says softly sitting next to you.

You stiffly nod sliding your hand in hers and squeezing so she knows you've heard her.

He’s gone.

John is _dead._

_He’s dead._

He died while you were asleep.

He’s dead and you’re alive.

You’ll never be able to hold him, be held by him, hear his voice, kiss or be kissed by him. You pull your legs to your chest and fold your arms over your head and you’re crying hard again. The thoughts make the ache in your heart grow exponentially and you can’t recognize yourself anymore.

Someone tells you that there’s a glass of water on the coffee table. Someone else hugs you, she speaks but you can’t understand her. Minutes or hours go by you don’t know because it all blends into one big mess.

You hug the friends that visit, mind in a fog as you shift from sobbing to numbness and back again. You weakly nod when police officers visit when it’s nearly night to tell you what you already know.

“I’ll stay here with you tonight, is that okay Karkat?” Jade asks gently.

“Yeah,” you mumble then nod.

You think about the hundreds of other people that were on the plane with John. About the families and friends that must be feeling exactly how you are now. Then you think about all the news you’ve glanced at before and how you barely took a moment to read the names of the deceased. How little it mattered to you and you wonder how they survived through this pain you feel right now.

You can’t bring yourself to eat when food is offered and Dave guides you to your bed when it’s dark again. You hold onto John’s pillow and weep into it wishing with all your heart you could travel into the past and tell him not to get on the plane.

Every day brings new visitors. When Dave visits he offers a shoulder to cry on. When Rose and Kanaya are there they listen to your broken words and hold your hand. Jade cries with you, she encourages you to eat every day and your other friends offer hugs, bring meals, and help however they can.

You dream about John every night. You pick him up in some dreams. Other times you're at the airport waiting and when he gets there you know he's dead. Sometimes dream John tries to convince you that he’s alive. Sometimes he knows he's dead and he's just there to tell you goodbye. You have ones where it’s just a normal weekday where you hang out and talk about nothing. You think it’s real until you wake up then you’re left crying for hours.

It’s been five days since it happened and the news has already moved on to a new tragedy when you finally step out of the house. You’ve been notified that they're in the process of identifying people-- _pieces and bits--_ and their belongings. You’re given the option to fly there or use a website when they have the belongings ready for viewing. You don’t know what you want to do, how long it will be but you need to plan John’s memorial still. Jade and Rose go with you and you nod numbly to the words coming from the funeral director. Jade helps you pick out the flowers, Rose whispers comforting words when you’re close to breaking down.

You sign the dotted line and life takes on a surreal quality. You can talk without choking up immediately, look at the last text from John without breaking down instantly. You eat with them and smile at something without forcing yourself. The night before the memorial you hug John's pillow to your chest and stare at the ceiling. You dream that John comes home that night and wake up to write a eulogy in tears.

You sit in the backseat of the car and clutch the parchment in your hand on the ride to the memorial service. You walk into the building and the first thing you see is a table draped and covered with flowers and pictures of John. You smile at how bright his blue eyes are, how messy his black hair was every time a camera was near.

You walk into the main room and sit down at the front.

"I would like to thank you all for coming out--" Rose begins standing in front of the microphone when the room is filled.

You listen as she starts the service with eloquent words and a beautiful poem. You thank her when she sits down behind you and she nods with a wistful smile. Each one of John's closest friends takes you down a different path of memories. You remember things you'd forgotten about and chuckle softly at moments that only John could get himself into.

You hug and thank each one of them as tears roll down your cheeks. Until finally, it's your turn, you stand up and walk up to the podium. You look over the crowd of faces, family, friends, colleagues all there in his honor. You lean closer to the microphone and take a few breaths before you begin.

This is it.

"John could be the biggest asshole in the world when he wanted to be," you start to a few soft chuckles, the image of him rolling his eyes with his middle finger raised at you comes to mind and you smile. "But he could also be the sweetest man you'd ever meet. I met him in high school, junior year, I was awkward as hell and I didn't know what to think when he tried to be my friend." You wipe a tear smiling at the memory. "He'd make me laugh so hard and I was so happy when we were together. With him, school didn't feel like the worst thing in the world. I remember not believing it was real the first time he asked me out, I cou--" you stop to breathe and compose yourself for a moment. "I couldn't believe he was interested in me." You chuckle. "He spent all day convincing me it wasn't a joke and when I finally believed him _I fell in love._ He always made time for me, included me in his life, introduced me to his friends that became mine too. He was funny, goofy, loving, and perfect like…at least 89% of the time." You joke sure he would have loved it just because. "I loved my husband with all my heart, and I cherished every day I had with John. I know that he'd be honored that every one of you came out today. Thank you, for all the support, the understanding, and for sharing John's memories today. He would have loved it so thank you." You end tearfully walking back to your seat as they clap.

Jade tells you it was beautiful.

Rose smiles at you before walking up to the stage. "Thank you Karkat, and to everyone here today we truly do appreciate you all. This week has been extremely painful and difficult for many of us. But we've managed to pull together a wonderful memorial in John’s memory and we'd like to close the ceremony with a short video. Thank you for everyone's help.

You watch as the screen projection comes to life. You smile when you see John as a toddler in a onesie running around with a green plastic dinosaur in his hand. There's a clip of him in a grade school play with a fake sword pretending to be a guard. It moves onto his early teens where he's holding out a happy thirteenth birthday cake showing off his goofy smile. The next clip is of him and Dave still young trying to make tough poses before John resolves into laughter and Dave cracks a smile. There are more clips of him with his other friends laughing and smiling about some silly joke. There’s some of John with his dad from before he passed away planning a prank. Then you see yourself, young and grouchy, hair a mess and John telling you a joke. You laugh then compose yourself then tell him to fuck off and he grins at you before kissing your cheek. You remember how flustered you'd been after that kiss. It moves on to pictures of John with friends, with you, everyone is alive and happy. Then the screen goes dark for a moment before it lights up to your wedding day. You remember how happy you'd been and can't stop smiling at the clip of John tripping over the first dance and laughing so carefree. That had been such an amazing day, there are so many wonderful memories before and after that day. Several more pictures of the two of you together go by and they each bring another pleasant memory. The pictures become more recent only dating back by only a month and he’s so happy in them. The last picture of him appears and he’s dressed up and smiling, his hair actually looks neat for a change and just seeing him like that makes your heartache. You'd been the one to take it and you think about how John kept messing with his hair at the dinner party afterward. It takes up half the space of the screen and then words fill the other side.

Loving Husband, Best Friend, Always in our hearts

In Loving Memory

Of

John Egbert

1995 -2027

It’s a beautiful tribute to the man that you love.

Later at the reception, you find Sollux and thank him.

"It's the least I could do for both of you Karkat," he says genuinely.

"He would have loved it."

"Probably would have wanted more Nick Cage in it though." He jokes and you laugh because he's 100% right.

The reception is a celebration of John's life and you find yourself smiling and giggling through soft tears. There are so many stories, new and old that you'll cherish forever. On the drive home, you feel something akin to happiness again. It isn't until you get back home that you're sucker-punched by a deep ache. You break down into a fresh wave of tears while Dave rubs your back.

You manage to compose yourself minutes later and make your way into your house. You thank each one of them for doing so much for you and that night you manage to make it on your own. It's a slow process as the days bleed together. You take showers without breaking down into fresh tears. Eating when your hungry becomes easier and when your friends visit you can join in the conversation better. You watch TV and can concentrate on what's going on without thinking of John every second.

At nights you watch his memorial video and reminisce. When you sleep you hold onto one of John's favorite shirts in your arms.

-

-

It's one week after his memorial service that you’re contacted by the recovery team. They’ve collected everything that they could salvage and have moved on to the process of identifying personal belongings. You've thought about what you want to do, stay or go and now with only a few days left you've reached your decision. You don't know what it'll feel like to fly and travel so far but you want to visit where it happened. You talk with Kanaya and Rose about going and Kanaya offers to go with you. You're incredibly grateful to her and say as much as you prepare for the trip. 

When it's time to leave you aren't afraid.

You arrive in Argentina and walk out into the heat of the day. The two of you are picked up by staff at the hotel and they take you to the hotel that’s volunteered their rooms for families of the victims. You've never been an open person and when given the option you'd prefer small groups of people or just one. But there's something in knowing everyone here has felt just what you've felt that drives you to the gathering that night.

You hug strangers as friends, share stories about John, and listen to stories about their loved ones. You cry with them, share in their pain, laugh with them, and reminisce about moments that you'll never forget. This is both a celebration of lives shared and a farewell to loved ones.

It's late when you finally get up to your room. You're nervous about tomorrow but smile at the memories you've made today.

-

You spend all morning thinking about what clothes you packed for him, which watch he'd worn, the ties, his glasses, and other items. You already have some pictures that you’ve printed out and when you’re time comes you walk down to the conference hall with Kanaya. Everyone is much more withdrawn and quiet as they’re let in a few at a time.

When you're called in you hold the photos close to your chest and walk in with Kanaya. The items are laid out on all-white surfaces and extra lights brighten the room. Your heart aches when you see a charred rattle laid on the first table. You slowly walk past the items on the tables trying to spot anything familiar. It’s five tables later when you spot it your heart races at the sight of a blue tie similar to one of John's favorites. You move around the table and look closely at it. There are shapes but you can’t make them out.

You turn to one of the volunteers standing near with gloves on. "Can you turn this one over please?"

"Yes of course," she says walking over to you.

She carefully turns the tie over in her hands and you feel tears when you see the goofy sharks unbarred on the back of it. You remember him buying it at a novelty store but you can't remember where.

"It's my husband's tie." You manage your throat tight.

She nods and smiles in understanding. "I'm happy you found this. I'll move it to the front while you continue looking. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, thank you." You wipe away a tear smiling at Kanaya before you continue looking.

You near the end without finding anything else and look over at the jewelry set up in a display case. You touch the wedding band around your finger and look inside. You're looking for the matching ring to yours. White gold with diamonds inlaid at the center an inscription with the date of when the two of you married. You spot a ring near the center with missing diamonds and darkened but you’re sure it's his.

"Excuse me--" you point to it "--th-this one is my husband’s." The worker looks at it and you extend your hand to show her your matching one.

He nods smiling softly, "I'll move it over to collecting for you."

You watch as he picks it up and carries it over to the collecting location. When you find his glasses bent and broken at the last table It feels like a part of him is there with you. You’re so happy to have just this that even without finding anything else this is more than you could have asked for.

In the hotel room that night you hold his ring to your chest.

\- 

When you get back home you find that falling into the motions of living again is more manageable. You eat without needing to starve first and keep yourself together when around friends without trying. You still break down in tears and lose composure at times but they don't last as long. You still watch the memorial video every night and sleep with his things set on your nightstand to look at before turning out the lights. Dreams are still painful and he’s there sometimes just to tell you he loves you and other times to remind you of your life before. Sometimes you wake up crying and others smiling.

You start reading again and return back to work.

One day and a month after his memorial service you’re notified that they’ll be sending him within the week. It’s both painful and relieving to hear that you’ll finally get him back.

On the date of his return, you call off of work and stay home to wait for delivery. When there's a knock on the door you can hardly breathe. You open the door and sign on the dotted line taking the package in your hand. Once the door is closed you walk into the living room and sit down on the couch your arms still tightly holding on. It's him, your John and you finally have him here with you.

You open the package and blink back tears as you pull his urn out. It's his favorite color, blue, solid, and you think a little serious for his taste. You're sure though that he'd agree with you that it works. Just like the suits you'd helped him pick out when shopping. It's heavier and lighter than what you'd imagined.

But it's him.

John.

You hold him remembering times you joked, and forced him to watch shitty romcoms. You think about all the kisses you shared with him. How he'd smile at you, that moment when he proposed and the wedding you'll always cherish. You cry for a long time holding him to your chest, still wishing there was some way you could have changed this. But you know that this is your reality now. You set his urn down on the coffee table and smile as you read his name engraved across the front.

There will never truly be closure, and you’ll never love anyone the way you loved John. But you'll be able to survive and live with the precious memories you made with him.

Later your friends will arrive, they'll come to visit, to see John, and to remember him with you. For now, though you take his urn to your room and set it beside his items. You slide his ring onto your finger and clutch your hand to your chest. You crawl into bed and let yourself fall.

"Hey, Karkat," he whispers into your ear and you blink a few times until he's in focus.

"John?"

"Who else would be spooning you huh?" He asks in mock seriousness and you can tell he's joking.

"There was this old guy checking me out the other day." You reply teasingly.

He kisses your cheek. "Cause you're just so cute, I can't blame him. I'll beat him up if you want me too."

"I'm not going to condone elder abuse, you ass." You shift in his hold so you can press a kiss against his lips. "Anyways, he'd totally beat your ass."

"Hey, I'd totally win!" John argues but you kiss any other chance of him speaking away. You smile at him and he grins back. "So what do you want to do today?" He asks in a whisper.

"Can't we just stay here forever?" You ask turning some more until you can comfortably press your face into his chest and breathe in his scent.

"I wish we could," he says softly pushing his hand through your hair. "I'm happy that you're doing better you know?"

"Hmm?" You look up into his eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that...I'm proud of you, Karkat," he smiles and you see tears in his eyes. "You know I'll always love you right?"

There's a moment of understanding that passes through you and suddenly this moment that should be wonderful is bittersweet. John tilts your head up and pulls you into a kiss that feels so real that you're sure there's no way this isn't reality. It's the truth though and you blink back tears as you lean back and gaze into his eyes again.

"Take care of yourself, Kitty," he sticks his tongue out at you and you can't help but snort. "Cute." He teases and presses a kiss on your forehead. "I'll always be here for you, okay?"

You nod knowing that what he says is a complete truth. He smiles and seems pleased with your answer and you rest your head against his chest again. You close your eyes and listens to the sound of his beating heart, you let his warmth seep in and bask in his love for you.

When you wake up to a knock on your door you're not sure if it was just a dream. But you know that regardless if it was or not that John's there for you as you get up to go let your friends in.

-

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoyed rewriting this and adding to the original story. Thank you for reading! :)


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